Hey. This is Mat Boggs and today we’re going to talk about an important question, which is how can you move forward in love when you don’t feel like you can trust yourself? This question was asked by a client of mine recently where she says, you know, I don’t believe in myself, I don’t trust myself. I got into a relationship, was married, and I felt like my heart was ripped out in that relationship because I was betrayed. Now, I am terrified to take another step in love, to go back into the game of love, and so how can I trust myself? I know this question well because this was my question exactly. I was in the same place. Felt like my heart had been ripped out. Felt like I was with somebody with whom I thought I was going to marry and it didn’t work out.
It was so confusing for me because I was so convinced that she was the one. The fact that it didn’t work out made me really question myself and I definitely didn’t want to experience that kind of pain again. Here’s the conversation that I had with this client. I said, “There’s a concept that relates trust and risk. As humans, we want to say that we trust things but, really, what we’re doing is we’re taking on certain degrees of risk. Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you drove?” She said, “Well, I drove today.” I said, “How fast did you go today in this car?” She said, “Well, I got up to about 65 miles an hour.” I said, “Have you ever driven on those back country highways, where there’s just two lanes? One going in one direction and the other lane coming in the other direction? Have you ever been on a road like that?” She said, “Yeah. Absolutely.” I said, “Often on those roads, cars are going 50, 60, sometimes 70 miles an hour and they’re whizzing by each other with just a few feet between them, sometimes inches between them.
Now, we know that people die every hour in car accidents, probably every minute, in a car accident, if you include the whole world. What gives you the confidence to trust yourself to drive on a highway like that, knowing another car is coming in the opposite direction? What gives you the confidence to be able to do that?” She considered for a moment and then she said, “Well, what gives me the confidence is that if I assess oncoming danger, I feel like I could avoid it.” “Exactly. Now, let’s apply this to your relationship because I bet that when you think back to this relationship, there were red flags that you ignored and decided to move forward in this relationship anyway.
Did you have any red flags that you saw looking back on that relationship and just ignored them?” She said, “Absolutely. Because I wanted that relationship.” I said, “Exactly. Often times, we will miss the compatibility part because we have so much chemistry for someone. The chemistry will be so strong, we’ll think, ‘Oh, the compatibility is going to follow.’ Well, that isn’t always the case. We need both compatibility and chemistry.” That’s step number one, is to know that now, moving forward, you will be able to see those red flags. You can no longer miss those red flags because you’re aware of them now.
A mind expanded to a new level of awareness never returns to its original size. Moving forward, you are a completely different woman, more equipped, more aware, and more able to see oncoming danger than you were when you were in that past relationship. “Great. The first key is that you can see oncoming danger and now you can avoid it. But what else gives you confidence to drive on that highway?” I asked her. She said, “Well, probably the fact that the person in the other car has some training. Probably they have a driver’s license and they want to keep themselves safe.” I said, “Exactly. When you’re getting into a new relationship, you’re not just going to put the pedal to the metal and invest 100% with somebody who hasn’t earned it.
You’re going to let them prove their skills to you over time. As you build a relationship with them and as you build experience with them and as you see them, how they’re able to have conversations, how they’re able to make and keep agreements, they’re demonstrating their skillset to be in a relationship with you. When they’ve demonstrated that they have the skills that are on the same level of your skills, that’s when you invest more.” Then I asked her the biggest reason.
I said, “Now, we’re missing one. We’ve got that you can avoid oncoming danger, that the other person will have some skills, but that’s the biggest reason why you’re willing to get on that road?” She thought about it for a while and then she nailed it. She said, “Well, the truth is, I want where that road is taking me.” I said, “Exactly. You want where that road leads. You’re willing to risk. You’re willing to put yourself out there to have what it is that you want. Some people aren’t. There are people who are controlled by fear. They’re not even willing to leave their house because they’re so controlled by fear that they live these trapped, small lives, not even willing to venture outside because they’re afraid so much of what will happen. But not you. See, in order to get into the relationship, yes, we can trust ourselves that we can see the red flags and we can avoid danger coming our way, that we can build a relationship with this person based on knowing their skillsets and our skillsets and do we have a great match together. But the last one is do you want where this road is leading? Because if you want where this road is leading, you’ve got to take a risk.
Will you face some rejection along the way? Most likely. Will you reject some people along the way? Absolutely. Will you face some tears along the way? Probably. But you’re willing to do it because you want where that road leads. You want that amazing relationship. Because, really, there’s only two choices. One, to stand on the sidelines of life. Two, to get on the road and move forward. You can feel a deeper level of confidence knowing that you are not the woman who was in that old relationship.
You are stronger, you are wiser, and you are more aware. As you get on this road, take the steps, taking the risk, it’s in service of something magnificent. Because you believe that that is possible for you but only if you’re willing to go where that road leads.” So know this. I believe in you. I believe you absolutely have what it takes to create an amazing relationship in your life. Now, I would love to hear from you. What do you do that helps you trust yourself in relationships so that you can move forward in your love life? Go ahead and post a comment below.
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